If I wrote the Superman Movie

superman1 To give everyone a rest from my incessant yammering  about New England I took this little writing challenge. In his blog, Emmy winning writer Ken Levine (who I met twice and I’m sure he doesn’t remember me) wrote his take on the new Superman movie. In his version a nice Jewish couple find the baby Kal-El. In my try, a couple of hippies come across the infant in the Mojave desert

 

EXT. DESERT ROAD – MOJAVE DESERT – DAWN (1978)

An old VW pickup bounces down the dirt road with two bales of home grown pot under a tarp in the back. In the front of the VW is Baloo and Crystal Flecks.

 

Baloo a tall, skinny, ex-surfer turned hippy pot farmer looks across at the voluptuous breasts of Crystal, swaying unencumbered inside her peasant shirt.

 

A fiery streak shoots across the peaceful desert sunrise and lands in the sagebrush just ahead of them.

 

BALOO

Stupid Marine Juggies! Now they’re spreading their war machine hate outside their playground…

Crystal

(Interrupting) Oh cool…lets go see it…c’mon…please…

BALOO

(Suddenly paranoid) Whoa! For real? I mean we’re hauling a major score and you wanna check this out? This place will be crawling with…

Crystal

(Breaking in) Mellow out, baby! This is too cool to miss!

He stops the VW in a cloud of dust, when it settles they see a metallic object stickling out of the sand.

 

BOTH

Whoa…

BALOO

I’m not liking this…

CRYSTAL

C’mon, it’s not like Charlie Manson is gonna pop out of there!

They get out of the VW and head towards the object. Baloo is all wild eyed and scared, scanning the horizon for “the piggies” as Crystal runs straight towards the object. They arrive at a space capsule.

BOTH

Whoa…

BALOO

It’s like…the Flintstones.

CRYSTAL

Jetsons.

BALOO

Yeah, right…(pause) It’s a U…F…O

Baloo suddenly starts babbling

BALOO

OK so you know all about the weird lights in the sky and space visitors and there was that guy who said he went to Mars and back in the flying saucer and I knew a guy who knew a guy who’s aunt was in Roswell when the saucer landed and the government guys all came and said they’d go to jail for saying anything…

CRYSTAL

(cooing) Oh look…in the window…there’s a baby inside…

Baloo looks and then recoils

BALOO

Oh sure they look like that and then they turn into brain sucking monsters that take over the town and then everybody is a brain sucking monster and every time you go into the Tastee Freeze they ask you if you want sprinkles but that’s really code for “Are you a brain-sucking monster like me?”

Crystal grabs him by the front of his shirt and yells in his face.

CRYSTAL

BA-LOO! I do NOT have the time to talk you down from that bad acid trip last summer!

Crystal rummages through the velvet bag that hangs around her neck. She pulls out two crystals.

CRYSTAL

I know the vibration force of these stones are meant for healing. So I’m thinking that by changing their polarity the force will expand outward instead of inward and give us the power to cut through the…

BALOO

What about this handle?

He pulls the handle and the hatch pops open.

Crystal grabs the baby out of the capsule

CRYSTAL

Our baby!

BALOO

Wow – easier than, like…havin one!

She gives him a dirty look. She starts walking back to the VW Baloo follows.

BALOO

No, really man, I mean check it, no hospital hassles or morning sickness or stretch marks…

They climb back into the VW

BALOO

What should we name him?

CRYSTAL

My Nana always told me that the first born son should be named after his Grandfathers.

BALOO

What’s your Dad’s name?

CRYSTAL

Sheldon.

BALOO

Sheldon Flecks?

Crystal

Actually…Brockman…Sheldon Brockman.

BALOO

Your name is Crystal Brockman?

CRYSTAL

Ummm, it’s Myra…Myra Brockman. What’s your Dad’s name?

BALOO

Elmer.

CRYSTAL

(pause) His middle name?

BALOO

Alfred…Elmer Alfred Teasdale.

CRYSYAL

You can’t name someone from outer space Alf…

CRYSTAL

So, your name isn’t really Baloo?

BALOO

Gerald Ernest Teasdale.

They drive for a moment in silence

BALOO

Elmer Sheldon…

CRYSTAL

Sheldon Elmer…

BALOO

You really don’t want him to get beat up in Junior High do you?

CRYSTAL

(Brightly) We’ll let him pick his own name when he gets older! Until then we’ll call him…uh, Rory.

They ride in silence

CRYSTAL

We’ll have to move out of that teepee.

BALOO

It’s a HOGAN! I told you, it’s a Hogan! Our Native American brothers lived in them for thousands of years, raising children…

CRYSTAL

It’s a dirt floor teepee and the closest you’ve ever been to an Indian is when you met Iron Eyes Cody at a supermarket opening.

BALOO

It’s fine.

CRYSTAL

Not for my baby. My cousin is a real estate agent in Santa Monica. He can help us find a house, (Musing) something nice, three bedrooms, and a yard, oh yeah with good schools.

BALOO

This is so cool. Little Rory will be growing up in the 1980’s and it’s going to be this incredible era of enlightenment and love where we all give up materialism and just cool out listening to Ravi Shankar and grow organic vegetables and ecology will guide our whole society.

CRYSTAL

Do you think Rory is a good name for a doctor?

BALOO

A doctor?

CRYSTAL

Sure, a doctor. Why couldn’t he grow up to be a doctor? He could help other people…find a nice girl…make a good living. Why couldn’t he be a doctor?

BALOO

He could be anything! Like a marine biologist or a mime or a roadie for Creedence…

CRYSTAL

Or he could be an Ancient Mesoamerican Sociology major like you?

BALOO

(sheepishly) I had an accounting minor.

A military helicopter passes overhead heading towards the crash site.

CRYSTAL

Oh, and you have to get a job.

Day 45 no Aloha Shirt sightings

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s