A Few Minutes With Oprah

We all spend too much time on the internet.

That is a fact.

I admitted to my own addiction after I realized I just watched the video of “What Does The Fox Say”  for the 17th time.

I decided to wander around the old residence for some printed reading material. In the pile of unopened wife-mail I found the latest issue of the Oprah magazine.





In the 70’s it was perfectly acceptable for a guy to peruse the pages of Cosmos to find out what Helen Gurley Brown was telling our potential conquests. I remember reading one list “50 Things Your Man Wants You To Do In Bed”. I also remember thinking no, nope, uhhh no, interesting, no, hmmm maybe, well OK that works, Holy Shit YES!, nah, no….well, you get the idea. So, I thought, lets see what the great female propagandist of this generation is saying.



It’s easy to recognize an issue of Oprah Magazine. In fact I wonder why they use the name at all. Every issue has a huge picture of Oprah with the lead story plastered across her ample bosom. In researching this I came across a fun rainy-day activity for the kids. Print out all the pictures of the covers from the Oprah magazine and make them into a flip book. When you flip the pages Oprah dances the Macarena as her wigs and weight magically change. Really…try it.

One thing I quickly understood – there are no men in Oprahworld. In Cosmos there were men, in the ads, in the articles, by god, they even had Burt Reynolds (the second hairiest guy in Hollywood, after Robin Williams) in the centerfold. But in the World According to Oprah there are no X chromosomes.

I think the issue Oprah has with men is the “X” thing. She detests the negative. You WILL live your best life. She WANTS to help you  worry less, be healthier, look better, accessorize properly, eat better, cook better, travel everywhere with your girl posse, watch the Oprah Network and buy this overpriced crap. Oh sure, there are the expected articles by Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz but we all know she’s had their balls in a jar on her mantle for years.



So what did I learn this Autumnal eve? Target wants you to know that everyone wants to get back to nature with “rustic weaves, geometric print, icons of nature, and texture thrown in”. Holy Crap! Earth tones are back! The cover promised a key to less stress at work and more happiness at home but I couldn’t find the article, so I assume it’s mojitos. There also seems to be a challenge on each cover – Make your own luck, De-clutter your life, Marry someone with lots of tattoos.



She was also trumpeting “The most stunning sweepstakes ever!” $2000 worth of beauty products? Hell Oprah – where’s the CARS?

For any Oprah fans who might disagree with me on this…What Does The Fox Say?



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