Who Wants a Glass Rocketship?

acm-trophy-250x300 Wednesday was the Academy of Country Music Awards. Having come down with my first New England cold (It’s a wicked pisser) I had trouble staying with the program past the opening.

The CMA Awards Show features the whitest teeth and most Technicolor, sequin-splashed gowns of the entire awards season. My head was already splitting when the obligatory pan of the audience produced a dental glare that could cause an ecliptic seizure. For my own preservation I decided to spend the evening channel surfing and then check back with the awards show on a selective basis.

Sorta like limiting your exposure to X-rays.

Unfortunately with only 847 channels on the TV the pickings were pretty slim. FIOS kindly includes every program they offer on the programming guide, just so I can see what I’m missing. I have the tier 2 premium package…one step up from the “You cheap bastard” package. It doesn’t include the thousands of sports channels or some of the more esoteric offerings like the Knitting Channel and the Dog Channel (a channel with programming for your dog to watch…seriously).

Hidden between the Northeast High School Lacrosse Channel and something called the Liquidation Channel I found what I now call the Ambulance Chaser Channels. These are the channels mostly sponsored by lawyers who want you to know that if you ever were around asbestos, had a hip replaced or had a bladder sling (whatever the hell that is) installed you could be eligible for a substantial cash award – call today!

Here on COZI, TV Land and MeTV was the programming I remember. Bonanza, Dick Van Dyke, The Rifleman even the Loooove Boat! I first thought “Here we go, descending into the typical old fart idea that everything was better in my day”. So I spent the evening comparing  today’s TV shows with those of the past, and occasionally checking back on the Nashville Hoe Down.

First, I checked out the reality shows. American Pickers – Two guys go around buying old junk to resell. Sounds like Sanford and Son…without the laugh track. Storage Wars – Groups of people bid to buy storage lockers full of junk they can resell…hmmm, again Sanford and Son. Pawn Stars – People come into a store with junk the owners can buy and then resell…

It’s like the networks have all the advantages of filling airtime and selling commercials without having to give the stars a dressing room with a window.

Now it turned into a game – find the Classic TV Show in the cheapo reality show.

Duck Dynasty? The Beverly Hillbillies. River Monsters? Sea Hunt. Kitchen Nightmares? Flo’s Place. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo? Even in it’s darkest days Network TV never stooped that low.

By the time I got back to the CMA Awards co host Carrie Underwood was blasting through four of her hits without lip-syncing. Then it dawned on me.

Country Music = Classic TV. Today’s Pop Music = Reality TV .

Finally I’d like to leave you with the perfect example of a New England cold.



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