Well Seasoned, Please

Note to readers – This column is written strictly for men and our…ummm…unique sense of humor. Any of you with more delicate sensibilities are forewarned.

‘Tis the season to give stuff to people…

We all know this because three seconds after midnight on Halloween all stores across the nation are immediately stripped of their ghoulish overlayment of horror and redecorated for the festive “Holiday Season”. We used to say Christmas but as the inclusive disease has sucked the life out of anything fun we have retreated to the generic “holiday”stamp.

It is also heralded by the arrival of an avalanche of unrequested catalogs…and a notable increase in back injuries in Post Office Personnel . Today my favorite catalog came.  

No, not the much desired Sears Wish Book of my youth,  not a slightly raunchy Frederick’s of Hollywood soft-core catalog, not even the lifestyle changing Frontgate “Outfitting fine homes since 1991”

Today I received the catalog that outdoes even the Sky Mall Catalog that you find in every seat back pocket in every airplane. The Kotula’s Catalog!


This is the holy grail for taste challenged shoppers. It is the stuff viral YouTube videos are made of. The home “Oh…you shouldn’t have…no really, you shouldn’t have”.

It is stuff guys would buy.

So here we go with the greatest hits for this year’s gift giving.

122033_200x200 A beer pager! What man hasn’t wondered at least once in his life (or maybe once a day) where the hell he left his beer? That problem is solved with the amazing beer pager. Find your way back to your can with this remote controlled marvel!





And speaking of finding your way back to the can how about a nice roll of camo TP? It will remind you manly huntsmen of the time you had to improvise after being in a tree stand for six hours.




37281_200x200 OK – let’s brighten up the holiday season with a remote controlled rat!

“Oh what fun it is to scare Grandma Christmas Night!”

Be sure to get this one early for Thanksgiving frivolity. Just as Aunt Susie pulls the turkey out of the oven, send this rollicking rodent across the kitchen floor. More white meat for you!


321512_200x200 Nothing says “Good Morning” like a steaming cup of Joe. And what better way to partake than from the old porcelain pot?

Note: The “What’s at the bottom of the mug” option has been discontinued.




Not to be left out, there are great gifts for the women in your life.

3701_200x200 This is a real keeper. How many times have you had to haul your ass off the sofa to dispose of an invading spider? This little gadget allows the fairer sex to capture the offend arachnid all by herself! However, if you’re leaning towards Larry the Cable Guy in looks and manners but without the six figure income, you might want to consider that spider squashing is the only reason she hasn’t kicked you out.




21313_200x200We all know men are simple creatures. This is the one fact that women can’t seem to grasp. So to help them deal with…well…us, here’s a classy way for her to say she is just having one glass of wine. A 750 ml wine glass! It holds a whole bottle! Get a set and the next Tupperware party might get real interesting.



Remember guys, not forgetting Christmas (or your particular winter celebration), your Anniversary and Birthdays is the best way to get another one year extension on your relationship contract.

Remembering her Mother’s birthday doesn’t hurt either.


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