Christmas Rappin’

I wanna tell ya sum’tin, dats goin’ on here.
We be all through boy, wid da pumpkin dis year.
I gotta mess ah presents, for the family an’ friends.
Gotta get out da tape, and da paper – Amen.

Ya sees I got a woman, who’s gone all de time.
Travelin’ da world, on da corporate dime.
She love to pick the gift, dazz perfect to give.
But when to come to wrappin’, well it ain’t her biz.

Da paper’s too short, or it’s too damn big.
She use enough tape, to wrap a pig.
She spends all da time, to find the right bow.
Then leaves off da name, on da tag – don’t ya know.

Ouch, my head hurts…How the hell does Kayne West write this kinda crap? By the way, I just heard that the follow up to his album “Yesus” is going to be called “Weezie”.

I was amazed that our wrapping paper actually survived the move from San Diego. A little more wrinkled (but aren’t we all) but none the less usable. The good thing about having a few Christmases under your belt is the collection of wrapping paper one accumulates.

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In the spirit of Christmas (or your preferred winter holiday) Let me lay a few tips for wrapping on ya.

I consider myself the Howard Stern of gift wrapping – the King of all Media. Paper Media.

Shiny paper, striped paper, vintage paper, tissue paper, thin paper, that crappy thick stuff that you think looks so cool but when you try to use it the tape won’t stick no matter how much you burnish it and then under the tree it unwraps itself so you spend all of Christmas Day going back to close it up and when you finally give it to the kid he tears the paper off in two seconds like it wasn’t even there…arrrrgh.

OK…I’m calmed down now.

Tools of the trade:

1. SHARP scissors. Not the ones you used to cut up a chicken last week, not the safety scissors you got for your little darlings, real honest to goodness sharp scissors. Go buy a pair ya cheap bastard.

2. You need a smooth surface to cut and tape on. Do not use your bed. You will cry or get pissed and your packages will look like crap. If the comforter on your bed ends up looking like one of those cut up t-shirts from the 80’s don’t blame me.  Did you know that the fold-up picnic table you have in the garage probably has a height adjustment on the legs? Yes it does! You can adjust it to be a comfortable work surface when you are standing. If you have the space, set up a specific wrapping area, use a spare bedroom – or one of the kid’s rooms…make ‘em sleep on the couch like Mommy and Daddy did in the 70’s.

3. Get tape…lots of tape. Lots and lots of tape. You never know when my wife might stop by and want to wrap a pig.

4. Christmas music. Oh c’mon – tell me that you didn’t watch the Andy Williams Christmas Specials.

Now it’s all up to you. But remember – wrapping nice Christmas presents is like making a ship in a bottle…you’re going to be the only one to notice, except old Aunt Ginny.

Again this year we won’t be putting up a tree. Between relocations (twice in the last three years) and travelling to see family, we really haven’t been home for the holidays in years. Prior to the Great Snow of 2013, I went through 27 boxes to try to find Christmas lights. Amazing how creative movers are when labeling moving boxes. I found these lights in a box marked “lingerie”. I found lingerie in a box marked “necessities”. I’ll dazzle you with my interior decorating skills if I ever get off my butt and off this computer.

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Bingo, as usual, provided moral support.

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Yes, there will be more pictures of Bingo – you people seem to like that.

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