Junk Mail

I like to read my junk mail.

No really. I think it’s a microcosm of the entrepreneurial spirit sweeping across the country. Or as others say, the desperation of people squeezed out of the job market by those damn Democrats…or Republicans…or Unions…or the internet…or bigfoot or aliens or zombies. Anyway, everyone is advertising the bejeezus out of the internet and it’s all in my junk mail.
Aside from the folks still asking me to cash a check for 89 quadrillion Gazamdabos (the currency of an unnamed country) and good old Bunny who still wants me to look at her pictures (She’s been emailing me since 1998…I wonder if she’s aged well) the majority of my e-junk is advice on how to make the new year bigger, better and more profitable.
I’ve always thought the best way to make a million dollars on the internet is to sell a book telling people how to make 10 million dollars on the internet. But I digress.
I came across the most dangerous thing to civilization, as we know it today. The headline read:

Culinary Schools Online  –  Cook Up Something Wonderful With Online Culinary School‏



First, there are too damn many culinary schools and waaaay too many cooking school graduates. There use to be just Le Cordon Bleu and the Culinary Institute of America. This is where you went to become a CHEF!




If you wanted to work in the restaurant business you went to a trade school of just hauled yourself out into the cold cruel world and started as a busboy or dishwasher.




Bad enough there are cooking schools popping up like Montessori Schools but now you can get a culinary degree, at home…in your own kitchen…with the crappy knives you got as a house warming gift and mismatched pots your Mom gave you? Seriously? The goal of cooking is to make something that tastes good. How the hell is your cyber-chef instructor going to tell you if your dish sucks? This is like a school that says it will train you to be a NFL linebacker in you own home!
Good Lord people – watch some reruns of Julia Child and give it a rest.
The popularity of the Food Network and a bunch of other food related “reality” shows has given us the greatest glut of so called “trained” chefs this country has ever known. This has resulted in the destruction of restaurant food in America. I’m not talking about the so called “fine dining” establishments where you plunk down a month’s pay for tiny, very pretty, unknown ingredients washed down with over priced wine. The stuff you take pictures of and post on facebook…and then you stop off at In’N’Out on the way home. I’m talking about screwing around with regular food, in regular restaurants. I don’t need lobster and truffles in my mac and cheese. I don’t want shredded fried beets on my baked potato. And if I see another side salad made from the weeds in the parking lot I’m heading back to the kitchen with a baseball bat.




Tonight I decided to look into the other junk mail…network TV. I have abandoned the networks of my youth in search of greener plotlines. Tonight I thought I’d take the advice of the 57 posters plastered on the side of a market in Santa Monica and tune in to “Intelligence” on CBS.
The premise? A super soldier…Special Ops, 4 tours in Iraq, loose cannon personality has a chip inserted in his brain to make him a super computer who can see through walls, Google his favorite restaurant and scan porn, all at the same time, paired with a tiny waif of a Secret service agent who’s assigned to protect this valuable security asset.


It’s the latest in the parade of babe/tough guy buddy shows. She’s smart and sassy…he’s a lunk.
It’s also the latest to rip off the Six Million Dollar Man.
I thought the 70’s were the absolute bottom of the barrel in acting but this show makes The Love Boat look Oscar-worthy…even the episode with Shecky Green. This was the special premiere – it’s suppose to make you want to check it out next week. I fled to American Pickers before I found out if his dead (or maybe not dead) wife was a double agent (or maybe just a pawn in life) or could be still out there, alive making the hero crazy about a searching for the one armed man…oops that’s another show.
Marg Helgenberger jumped ship from CSI to be the “M” on this show.

I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. Next –



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