Olympics Time! Part II

As the Sochi Olympics seem to be shaping up to be the “Sochialist Olympics” I thought I’d pull out a remembrance from four years ago. Seems the Russians have turned the Olympic movement into an armed camp. The official Olympic slogan is now “Show me your papers” and the Olympic Athlete’s Village is now known as Gulag Gardens.
So from a kinder, gentler time here’s my report on:

Closing Ceremonies Winter 2010

OK sports fans here we go…

Upon the close of the Winter Olympics let’s gather ‘round the electronic water cooler and talk…

OK – I’ll go first.
Some thoughts on the games.

Who knew that curling was a marathon sport?????

curlingEvery time I looked up at a monitor in a bar, a mall or a diner, there they were, a-slidin’ and a-sweeping. I’m not sure if they took a break the whole ten days. I have a sneaking suspicion that the World Curling Association was holding Kim Kardashian hostage just to get coverage.

No – really, curling is an Olympic sport? Fred Flintstone ice shuffleboard? I’m guessing that 99.9% of the participants in this sport are only there for the beer (after all it is Canadian bowling). AND after all the nail biting coverage, the US team came in dead last.

The rest of the Olympics were taken up by people going at breakneck speeds over frozen water…there was also some jumping up in the air.

And then there was the closing ceremony

I have to admit that I was torn away from this cultural spectacle by a show on the Food Network about building bridges out of Rice Krispies…but anyway.

Olympics Closing Ceremony m7lkzYA7g6Ol I’m thinking “This is a good start!” only 3 of the Olympic flame arms are up. There seems to be a guy working on the broken one, the camera dollys in…and it’s a MIME!

Of course it’s a mime, what’s funnier than a mime? A freakin’ francophone mime!

This is why everyone hates France.


So Mr. Bumbles somehow gets the flame fixed and the poor chick who was left standing like a jilted bride gets to light her leg of the flame…justice is done and then she disappears into the floor like the Wicked Witch in the road show of OZ.

At this point a whole mess of snowboarders who looked like they had just left the Canadian Women’s Hockey Team party bum rush the stadium to the melodious sound of a Canadian band no one’s ever heard of.

Closing Ceremony - Gap2


No, really, that’s their name “The Canadian Band No One’s Ever Heard Of”. They proceeded to wave their snowboards and mill around until someone in the rafters yelled “Stop, that looks like something”. I think once they spelled out USC .




Then they got all the real Canadians to sing Oh CAN-NA-DA. Which was a bazillion times better than the opening ceremonies. At this point the opera singers came out the regale us with the Olympic hymn, the Olympic aria and the Olympic rumba.

(click) to the Food Channel

Yes it is possible to create an architectural duplicate of the Golden Gate using only marshmallows and Rice Krispies.


Olympics Closing Ceremony msFp1q5DUw7l
“Now we present the Olympic flag to the host city of Sochi Russia and here is the mayor of Sochi with a long-winded speech in Russian translated into French…”




20090831Evidently Rice Krispies does not have the same structural integrity as steel and concrete.

This seems to amaze the chefs in the bridge building contest.

This is also why I’m glad they went to Cordon Bleu instead of MIT.


i-50fc095fad85ccd7350f62de29a832f1-c48163441d12495c836a549fada8a1b4 “Long may you run,

  long may you run”

Whoo Hoo it’s Neil Young! Really cool, looking good, sounding good (and NOT lip-syncing). This looked great on TV, but really…one guy singing in a football stadium for 60,000 people?

I’m thinking the “This Sucks” factor for the live audience just went up 10 points. Suddenly Neil disappeared into the floor like the flame girl. I think somebody needs to look into the contractors credentials.

Well…that went OK so they sent out a bunch of Canadian celebrities who live in Los Angeles to do stand-up in the intimate arena for the hoard of 60,000.

Shatner – funny but a little scattered…and I think he has done it in a canoe.

Catherine O’Hara – apologized for everything Canadian…except for the opening and closing ceremonies.

Michael J. Fox – Some sort of ramble about coming to Canada makes you Canadian, I am you and you are me and we are all together, goo goo ga joob, all while standing on some weird floor projection of a cartoon tiny town.


Somebody gets an award for a Rice Krispies bridge. She jumps up and down and is really excited. She gets a medal. They don’t play her national anthem.


Olympics Closing Ceremony QAjM8aoG9b2l A really young guy, who I suppose I should know, is singing a really old style song. Actually not singing but lip-syncing worse than Brittany Spears on her worst drug addled night. Surrounded by a bevy of scantily clad female Mounties (insert own joke here) he was channeling Sinatra and finger poppin’ like Bobby Darrin.



Then all hell broke loose.

The “creative director” had probably been hammered for the underwhelming opening so he threw everything into the arena in a kaleidoscope of bad taste, amateur production and just plain weirdness.

Bad dancing Mounties followed by giant hockey players, followed by dancing/flying Maple leaves followed by giant blow up Mounties (additional joke opportunity) followed by giant blow up Beaver (ditto) followed by giant blow up Moose. It was like the Macy’s parade on LSD. Did I mention that everyone in the audience was required to don foam moose antler hats? Now it’s starting to look like pledge night at Canada’s worst fraternity.    

Mercifully at 10:30 the broadcast abruptly ended as NBC pushed the Olympics aside for Jerry Seinfield’s new show which will last for 8 weeks, which is about 7 weeks longer than the memory of this Olympic closing will last.

Now…if you think this Olympics was fun check this out –

2014 Olympics Location: Sochi, Russia

Profile: Sochi is almost unique among larger Russian cities as having some aspects of a subtropical resort. Apart from the scenic Caucasus Mountains, pebbly and sand beaches, the city attracts vacation-goers with its subtropical vegetation, numerous parks, and monuments.

Sochi has a humid subtropical climate at the lower elevations, with an average January temperature of 42°F and winter temperatures rarely falling below freezing, so the city supports different types of palm trees. Sochi is situated on the same latitude as Nice, France.
I always thought that one of the requirements of a Winter Olympics was hmmmm…SNOW!!!
A suggestion for the comrads planning this one:
Get Danica Patrick to drive one of the bobsleds. Doesn’t matter which country, we just want to see her in a skin-tight bobsled suit. It’s going to be so warm maybe she’ll wear a bikini top.
It really doesn’t matter, she’ll crash anyway.
See Ya in Four Years!!!

Which brings the class up to date.
I contacted the Hanover Times Picayune and Super Coupon Clipper Newspaper about being their official Olympic correspondent this year. They said they didn’t have any budget for airfare to Russia but they did have an old teletype machine in the back room I could use. So stay tuned for eighteen days of frosty fun.


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