I Get Morning First…

It’s six-nineteen in the morning on Saturday. That’s 6:19 AM on a Saturday morning, eastern daylight time. The fake colonial lamps still glow along the street, through the fog off the river. All is quiet…


Except for the obnoxious call of the wild turkey and Bingo’s frantic reply.
He’s been barking for 40 minutes. Did you know it’s a fact that a dog can bark for hours and never get hoarse? According to the website that never lies – Google, [Bingo – be quiet] a dog can bark for hours because of the thickness of their vocal chords. Dogs don’t have to make the wide range of sounds needed to be able to sing opera or make a political speech so they don’t need the thinner vocal chords of humans. Their vocal chords are the bodybuilders of the noise-making world. [Bingo – it’s OK…calm down]

Turkeys, on the other hand have many vocalizations: “gobbles,” “clucks,” “putts,” “purrs,” “yelps,” “cutts,” “whines,” “cackles,” and “kee-kees.” In early spring, male turkeys, also called gobblers or toms, [Bingo- you gotta be quiet] gobble to announce their presence to females and competing males. The gobble can carry for up to a mile, just beyond the range of my 22.

Males are polygamous, mating with as many hens as they can. Male wild turkeys display for females by puffing out their feathers, spreading out their tails and dragging their wings. [Bingo – enough] This behavior is most commonly referred to as strutting. For years guys in bars were referred to as turkeys, prior to the more common term today – dickhead.

I decided to head downstairs to the basement …or Fortress of Solitude…or Third Level, as slimy real estate agents call it. I thought I’d check out the morning paper (boot up the computer) to see what was happening in the world. I, of course, went to directly to BuzzFeed because I didn’t know if I wanted to LOL, OMG or WTF.
Reading BuzzfFeed is like having a TMZ intern as a roommate.

My choices were:

  • 12 Things Ex-Athletes Have To Learn
  • 51 Things That Are Definitely Better Than Going Out On Friday Night
  • How To Create The Perfect Online Dating Profile
  • 26 Things They Only Only Sell At Chinese Wal-Marts

The first three things athletes need to learn is spelling, diction and accounting – I figured the rest would be obscure.

I peeked at the 51 Things…they all started with “Eating fill in the blank in bed” Can you say muffin-top?

The online profile was a video hosted by a gorgeous girl (who doesn’t need an online profile) backed by horrible 70’s disco music. They suggested using the words London, Surfing and Passion. Oh, and steal a photo from Instagram…because you know the other person is lying too. And don’t mention the eating in bed on Friday Nights.

Of the 26 things at the Chinese WalMart these are the only two not too gross for a family program

ScreenHunter_21 Mar. 29 05.13 ScreenHunter_22 Mar. 29 05.14

Battery powered Snickers and Deception of Sheep Offal…these guys are the new superpower?

Now the turkeys are casually strolling through the backyard as quiet as a mouse…an ugly, feather covered 40 pound mouse…

I imagine this has been a problem since the earliest days of Plymouth…

Pilgrim “Can’t you guys do anything about that noise?”

Indian “We’re doing our best…we kill the bastards and eat ‘em…but they come back every year.”

Of course, by now Bingo is asleep



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