OK – I know it’s early but a news flash has crossed our editorial desk that can’t wait.
Hello Kitty is not a cat!
This profound revelation was exposed by author Christine R. Yano who has written a whole book debunking the commonly held belief that Hello Kitty is actually a kitty. (Available at Amazon for $77 bucks!)
“Hello Kitty is not a cat. She’s a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature,” Yano explained to the Times.
Going to the secret website of Sanrio (creator of said catless-Kitty) we find that Hello Kitty is actually a horribly deformed 3rd grader who lives in the suburbs of London. Aside from having the outward appearance of a cat she also has no mouth!
In the interview Yano also hinted at future revelations including:
Felix the cat is not a cat, but is in fact, a used car dealer from Union, New Jersey.
Magilla Gorilla is really a hairdresser in Gallup New Mexico
Homer Simpson is in reality, a cat
However Sponge Bob Square Pants IS actually an anthropomorphic kitchen sponge that lives in the ocean
Further investigation into Kitty-gate reveals that Sanrio was founded by Shintaro Tsuji in 1960, using 1 million yen ($4 dollars) in capital.
They proceeded to plaster Hello Kitty all over every conceivable product
…and of course, Ladies unmentionables…
Since 1972 they have earned more than 10 Quadrillion yen ($3000 dollars).
When asked about the apparent kitty/little girl disparity, founder Tsuji replied “Who gives a shit” from his private space station orbiting the earth.
So thanks Christine R. Yano, you’ve dashed the beliefs of millions of gay Asian boys…way to go…