Facepalm Friday #1

Just a few notes from around the world

“Red Bull gives you wings” has been the energy drink’s slogan for nearly two decades. Now the company has agreed to pay out more than $13 million after settling a US class action lawsuit that accused Red Bull of making false and misleading advertising claims. Like Red Bull will give you actual wings…

So the Red Bull guys have to put $6.5 million into a settlement fund to be doled out at 10 bucks a pop to anyone who bought a Red Bull in the last 10 years. Note – of the $13 million, $6.5 goes to the “wronged” customers…anyone want to guess where the rest goes? Can you say Lawyers?

The suit was brought about by a bunch of Red Bull drinkers, one said he had been drinking the product since 2002 but had seen no improvement in his athletic performance. Hmmm, maybe going to the gym instead of guzzling caffeine laced, overpriced sugar water would have been more helpful.

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From the great state of Texas we have news about Timothy Lane Raines, the Fort Worth man accused of stealing a forklift, loading his dog on it,  driving to a beer store and picking up a six-pack. He then drove it down Interstate 30 — reaching breakneck speeds of 16 mph — while throwing beer bottles at police.

Raines also drove down University Drive, drinking beer and making obscene gestures at officers who tried to stop him. He almost hit several vehicles, including patrol cars. This week he was sentenced to 8 years for having the world’s worst getaway car.

“I really don’t remember too much of it,” Raines said. “It’s kind of like a dream to me. But I didn’t want the dog to get hurt”.

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There is a dating site called Beautifulpeople.com.

Why?

Why do the most beautiful people on the planet need a dating site?

Could it be that those who think they are beautiful are also narcissistic, dough heads with zero personality or intelligence?

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This story is shocking simply because it isn’t happening in California.

A lawyer (surprise)  argued before an appeals court Wednesday on behalf of chimpanzee Tommy, who lives alone in a cage in upstate New York. A judge has refused a request by Wise and his Nonhuman Rights Project to have Tommy released to join other chimps at a Florida sanctuary that mimics their natural habitat.

Wise argues that animals with human qualities, such as chimps, deserve basic rights, including freedom from imprisonment. If he succeeds, he said he will seek personhood for other species with human qualities, which he defines as self-determination and autonomy.

Whatcha bet that the “Nonhuman Rights Project” is a tax-exempt organization? And is looking for donations?

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The fun folks at Depends…yes the adult diaper people – in a weird attempt to sell more of their product have organized – get this – a movement.

You may insert as many jokes as you want here…we’ll wait…

From their oh-so-slick website “ Underwareness is both a social movement and a charitable cause. Over 65 million Americans experience bladder leakage, and nearly half of them are under age 50. But nobody wants to talk about it. Until now.”

Actually we don’t want to talk about it. Ever.

On the plus side, the website is plastered with photos of attractive 20-somethings modeling the latest in leak-guard fashion. Drop your pants for Underwareness…OK I get it. However I think they went one step too far by asking folks to share a photo or even worse, a YouTube video where you “drop your pants for Depends”. Once their email box is full of pictures of crotch shots of grannies, drunk frat boys wearing them as headgear and that guy I saw on COPS running around in Philadelphia high on PCP and wearing only Depends they may back off on this participation idea.

They keep saying that they need to spread awareness about bladder leakage. Seems to me if that’s your problem, you’re pretty much aware of it already.

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And finally we have the Netropolitan Club a social network for “people with more money than time”. That’s not my words…that’s their marketing tag. It’s a virtual “country club” with a hefty $9000. joining fee and $3000 a year annual dues. And there’s no bar or golf course. It really seems to be for people with more money than sense.

“It’s lonely at the top and you have to be at the top to understand how true that is,” said James Touchi-Peters the painfully elitist creator.

In the words of Groucho Marx, “I’d never join a club that would have me for a member”

hogansheroesfacepalm1_thumb

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