My fitness diet

Evidently, along with a workout you need a fitness diet. All fitness diets are basically the same – they help you lose weight by lightening your wallet.

In the old days it was just doctors trying to sell a diet book. Now websites are selling the basic diet along with personal coaching, customized diet plans, targeted workouts etc…oh, at an additional charge.
I find it interesting that the approaches of diets are so diametrically opposite

Atkins Diet “Stuff your face with meat!”
Skinny Bitch Diet “Stuff your face with plant material”
Richard Simmons Diet “Move to Miami and become a transvestite Salsa Dancer”

The only diet I ever tried was Adkins. When I went from climbing telephone poles to mapping cable systems there was a big change in calories burned…and not much of a change in wolfing down burgers. I lost a bunch of weight then…which has somehow been able to find me no matter how many times we move.
This glacier-like waistline creep has snuck up on me like a drip of water drilling through a rock (or some other weirdly obscure Oriental saying). This led to my investigation white paper  “Caloric Balance Aligned With Energy Expenditure Resulting in Synergic Equalization to Better Promote Humanoid Well Being or What to Shove in Your Face”.

Humans are omnivores. There were millions of Omnis wandering around in prehistoric times…we don’t know what they look like because ancient man ate them all. Which is why we have been searching for the perfect diet ever since.

Diets have been around forever. An ancient translation of the bible tells of  Eve saying to Adam “Honey, I’m going to make breakfast. How about a nice baked apple with a side of eternal damnation?”

Ancient Egyptian peasants ate one daily meal, most likely in the morning, consisting of beer, bread, and onions before they left for work. No wonder the Jewish people fled into the desert.

Recent diets haven’t been much better…

The 1980’s Hollywood Diet – It works but the cost of cocaine has gone way up…

The Costco Diet – You go to Costco everyday and only eat off the sample tables.

Cabbage Soup Diet – see ancient Egyptian diet

I was fascinated by the 7 Day All You Can Eat Diet
MONDAY – You are allowed to eat as much fruit as you wish,
TUESDAY – You may eat as many vegetables as you want
WEDNESDAY – you may eat as much vegetables and fruit as you wish
THURSDAY – You must drink five glasses of skim milk and eat five bananas

No one ever gets beyond the 4th day because they break into a bakery at 3am and O.D. on chocolate chip cookies.

To finally end this dilemma I turned to the modern version of paper, rocks, scissors; the Buzzfeed Quiz…10 simple questions.

“How to select your perfect diet”

What is your favorite 90’s pop star?
Sunrise or Sunset?
Fast in a slow car or slow in a fast car?
Are you a: dog, cat, hamster, fish person?
Ginger, Mary Ann, Elvira, Sandra Day O’Connor?
Strangers describe you as: fun at a party, scary to meet in an alley
Lady Gaga or Justin Beiber?
In High School you were a : jock, nerd, stoner, weapons dealer
Believe in: monogamy, free love, hacked video
At a party you would never – talk politics, double dip a Dorito, serve a summons.

After pushing the appropriate buttons like a trained seal the computer tells me…

Knock off the Dunkin’ Donuts

I think Mark Twain summed it up…
“Be careful about reading health books – you may die of a misprint.”


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