Stuff I Won’t Get For Christmas

For retailers, November 1 if the first day of the Holiday Gift Buying Season, Oh sure there is that Turkey Day thing but what are ya gonna sell? A baster and some cardboard cut outs of Pilgrims? Screw that.

No, it’s time for the big cash cow of the year, Christmas. (or Winter Holidays or Seasonal or Believe or Wishes or whatever the hell PC crap stores can come up with so they think they’re not offending ANYONE)

Last year I took a look at stuff that really nobody wanted –

This year I decided to delve into the holy grail of off-the-wall gift ideas, Hammacher Schlemmer.

Hammacher_Schlemmer_E57_jeh I did a little research about the company. Hammacher Schlemmer began as a hardware store specializing in hard-to-find tools in the Bowery district of New York City in 1848.  H/S was among the first companies to install a telephone in their store. It was also one of the first stores in the country to have electric lighting in the showroom, they opened up the first auto department and had the first home delivery service. OK cool – cutting edge guys.

Sure, they carry the weird stuff that is covered by the Sky Mall and Lillian Vernon Catalogs so let’s get to the truly outrageous and questionable for this year…


Starting at the low end, price-wise you can cement your harried business traveler’s reputation as a complete douchbag with this little beauty. For a mere $299. he/she can hurtle through the airport on their personal “skate-bag”, scattering children and old people like bowling pins. But hey! He made his flight!



85009_1000x1000The Home Lie Detector
Really? Fun at parties? It says the results “…aren’t legally binding”. It does not say it won’t get you a frying pan upside the head or a messy divorce.






The Self-Contained Hootenanny
If you’re really rich and you really hate someone drop this baby on their driveway December 25th. This six and a half foot tall mechanical band that uses 17 instruments built into its cabinet to generate a verifiable folk music shin-dig. Plays “Jimmy crack corn and I don’t…ARRRRGH I’M GONNA KILL MYSELF




12161_1000x1000 Here’s something interesting. A Finnish Grillhouse. An indoor barbeque pit surrounded by uncomfortable wooden benches with room for 10 adults. Hmmm…it’s only 10×12 feet – the size of a small child’s bedroom. Imagine 10 of your drunk friends 12161B_1000x1000scarfing messy BBQ in your kid’s room. I think this is destined to be where the neighbor kids play Doctor.






A private spy-on-the-neighbors drone. How cool! Only $1300! (Of course you could get a better one for $650 at Drones R Us)






12543_1000x1000For the best in ostentatious lawn displays how about a dinosaur. A real, full size museum quality Tyrannosaurus? Dress him up as Uncle Sam for the 4th, the “day after” turkey for Thanksgiving and the worlds scariest Rudolph for Christmas! Destined for CraigsList in a heartbeat…


And finally




The one thing they don’t have? A Thanksgiving themed Hawaiian shirt.

So…who wants these gifts?

86977_1000x1000The Golfer’s Little Helper
A poorly placed shot that lands in the rough? A plastic wedge slips over the toes with an elastic strap during a sudden realization that one’s shoe is untied. A nonchalant scuff of the ground repositions a ball into a better spot.


Oh yeah…those guys…


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