We’re not talking about a Personal Digital Assistant

or a Photo-Diode Array

or Public Display of Affection

Today we’re talking about Protecting your Dumb Ass.

It seems that the bike helmet/warning label/alien abduction people are taking over the world.

We have a BMW (OK, no booing…it’s a company car). As the tyre-pressure_729-420x0inevitable seasonal change has brought colder temps, Herr BMW has taken to telling me he has a flat tire…make that four flat tires. Upon inspection, all 4 tires have the requisite 30 pounds of pressure. Seeing as this is “The Ultimate Driving Machine” I assumed that dumb old American car me must be doing something wrong.
First, I don’t need a car to tell me the tire is flat. As a driver (as opposed to the distracted texting-talking-eating crowd) I can feel when a tire is going down. I don’t need sensors to tell me when I’m too close to something, I learned to judge distance. I don’t need a back-up camera, I know how to use mirrors. So off to the official fix the BMW place to let them figure out what’s wrong.

I was informed by the stalwart “keeper of the clipboard” that this was normal. The sensors in the car just have to get used to cold weather. What? Seriously, did I get a car with California sensors? It doesn’t get cold in Germany? Did they spent too much time engineering the media control system and seat warmer to get the tire pressure thingie right? Sheesh!
To top that, Justin, the factory trained representative (according to the patch on his shirt) informed me we have RFTs. That’s right Run Flat Tires! That means it’s OK to drive to a safe location to change the tire. NOT that if you’re too lazy or stupid to change a tire to drive it until it looks like this.


I first noticed this over-protective creep in New Jersey. On every bridge – big bridges, little bridges , bridges over rivers, bridges over highways, bridges over troubled waters – there was always this sign –


OK…I get it, the ground acts as an insulator allowing the uninsulated bridge to freeze up like a 90 pound Green Bay Packer cheerleader in November.
If this happens on every bridge, every winter shouldn’t it just be on the written test for a drivers license?
#37 Bridges freeze in winter.
True   __
False  __
Sorta like a red light means stop?

Back in good old 1986 when hair was big, music was bad and pants were high-waisted the feel-good people of California were asked to vote on a proposition…Proposition 65, the Safe Drinking Water and Toxic Enforcement Act. The Proposition was suppose to protect California citizens and the State’s drinking water sources from chemicals known to cause cancer, birth defects or other reproductive harm, and to inform citizens about exposures to such chemicals.
So, what causes cancer? Evidently everything. Soon the prop 65 signs began appearing everywhere posted by paranoid business owners.

Which finally led to this.


Since our touch down here in The Codfish State I noticed another natural selection spoiler in every place there’s food.


I’m guessing the proliferation of this message goes right back to a very expensive lawsuit. Probably the same moron who sued McDonalds because the hot coffee she spilled on herself was…well…hot.

Sorry to be all Neanderthal about this but if YOU have a problem with eggs, peanuts, fish, shellfish, nuts wheat or soy that would be YOUR problem. If you’re halfway through a bag of fish and chips and you suddenly remember you’re allergic to fish…and peanut oil…and paper plates, it’s not the fault of the poor minimum wage schmoe standing over a smoking fryer – it’s yours.

The final insult (at least for the reasonably competent people in the world) was a car commercial I saw recently that demonstrating the performance of their product. Underneath it stated “Professional Driver On Closed Course – Do Not Attempt”.
What was this harrowing, death-defying stunt? The commercial showed a Mom taking her kids to school in a mini van.
God, I hate lawyers…

And don’t get me started on gluten.

Until the next time…stay safe.


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