This isn’t a clever title…
I lost my wallet.
Tuesday was like a combination of a Sam Spade mystery and the Game of Clue. It started with my wallet missing from my nightstand. Then I remembered I was ordering some stuff on the internet late Monday night – I assumed it was on my desk in the basement. This turned out to be…not true.
It started off with the “Are you kidding me. Oh, it’s here somewhere. Now where did I leave that? “ mode.
I looked in all the places it should be. As anyone who’s played this game knows, it’s never in the place you’d think it would be.
We started this game at 8am, following the usual protocol – check where it should be and where you last saw it.
Nope, not under, around or in the nightstand. On to the mess I call my desk…oh well, it was a good time to wade through the unimportant and expired stuff. One full trashcan later we found no wallet. Oh sure, I did find my Enterprise Car Rental membership card, notes from a screenplay I abandoned and about 12 guitar picks…but no wallet.
So the search changed to the path from the basement to the bedroom.
I should note that I suffer from SSDS…Set Shit Down Syndrome. So it would not surprise me to find the wallet on any flat surface along my beddy-time path. That route was traced at least 10 times – up the stairs…down the stairs. Bingo followed me the whole time. He is totally exhausted.
By afternoon we had graduated to the most obscure and unlikely places for the old wallet to be. The refrigerator…the other refrigerator…both freezers…in rooms I never entered that day…the bathrooms – behind everything in the bathrooms…inside file boxes that I may or may not have looked in…
This about the time that one is mentally toast.
It isn’t just Col. Mustard in the Study with the pipe. Now I couldn’t even remember if I actually even owned a wallet…or what it was for. I called the bank to ask about cancelling my credit cards. When the lovely lady asked me “Is there anything else I can help you with?”
I screamed “TELL ME WHERE THE HELL MY FRIGGIN’ WALLET IS!!!”
I think I’ll be using the drive thru teller from now on.
As astute readers of Facebook know, the offending folded cowhide was discovered under a couch…nowhere near where I walked the night before.
I noticed it while lying on the floor in a fetal position softly crying to myself.
The upside to this whole adventure is I found:
The remote control for a DVD player we don’t have anymore
Jimmy Hoffa’s tie clip
A naked butt shot of an old girlfriend
A frozen block of lasagna I brought home in a doggie bag last March
Two report cards from elementary school
I will gladly attend a lecture about “the sociological ramifications of body dysmorphic disorder due to prolonged exposure to Barbie playtime” instead of doing this again.