We are all guilty of – well, guilty pleasures. Without getting too sordid about this, we all take a bite of the tacky apple now and then. A couple of weeks ago Amy and I were sucked into the reality show vortex by a show called “Married At First Sight”. No, this isn’t a variation of the popular “Let’s Get Married for the Weekend” game played in nightclubs in the 70’s. In this offering three couples are chosen to be married, for real, by a panel of “experts” (we’ll get to them later) who decide that they are just perfect for each other.
Fortunately this was on the FYI Network – one of those channels in the “If you want the good channels you have to takes this crap” cable package. Fortunately, because there is so little programming on the channel they played all the episodes on two successive nights.
I thought it was going to be about putting hidden cameras in cheap hotel rooms in Las Vegas to record people waking up and saying, “Who the Hell are you?”
Instead we got the “scientifically” matched trio of three weenie guys paired with millennium girls with issues.
First out of the gate we have the mother-bonded/EMT who lucks out with a busty
stripper burlesque performer from way down south. His idiot grin at the moment he saw her pretty much told the tale of that romance.
Next up a black couple –She’s a professional product development manager in the fashion industry, and he’s a field service technician…that’s resume speak for Cable Guy. I’m not saying that 11 years in the Air Force might have kept him out of the dating pool for a little too long but who suggests a three-way to his new wife…on their first date???
Unbeknownst to us, as regular Reality TV avoiders, the really hot gal out of chute number three was a serial contestant on reality shows. Having bombed out on “The Bachelor”, “The Bachelor House” and presumably on “The Bachelor – Back Seat of his SUV” she hooked up with this crowd, presumably because the guy had to marry her.
She also refused to “consummate” the marriage, evidently just in case some reality show about virgins came knocking.
(Consummate is their word for doin’ it…I preferred Bob Eubanks’ “Making Whoopie”)
Speaking of Bob Eubanks I think this whole thing could have been done as the show I really wanted to watch…(drum roll)
LIVE! FROM TELEVISION CITY IN HOLLYWOOD! IT’S…
Yes, we’ve scoured basements and garages all over the country to find these emotionally immature twenty-something guys. Now we’re going to match them with totally insecure women who are finding out they can’t have it all…so they might as well settle for…
MAMA’S BOYS!!!! (cue theme music)
Now how is this any different than the traditional partner finding scenario…dumb luck.
Oh yeah – the “experts”
First we have the psychologist. One of Dr. Oz’s thought leaders in health on the Dr. Oz Blog – OK there goes his credibility right out the window. He also talked like his jaw was wired shut. Weird choice for TV.
Next on our roster is a Professor of Sociology and the national Love, Sex and Relationship Ambassador for AARP. Damn – who knew there was a 10% discount at massage parlors with AARP? This seems all OK until we learn her first name is Pepper…Pepper? I’m sure that was cute with the frat boys in ‘78 but, really, Pepper?
And doesn’t that make her Dr. Pepper?
Of course one needs a sex expert. So they went out and grabbed this gal who claims to empower children, adolescents, and adults to embrace their sexuality. Did I miss something…children need to embrace their sexuality?
And finally, to advise these couples on the spiritual aspects of their journey we’ve got a guy who wrote , “Good Without God: What a Billion Nonreligious People Do Believe”. He’s a Humanist…oh, dandy.
Thank goodness we aren’t insulting anyone by suggesting ANY form of religion has any validity. He probably celebrates Festivus…moron.
Fortunately it all ended just as expected….sorta like Kim Kardashian’s parenting skills.
I’m not watching next season unless there’s at least one transvestite.